Harry Potter and his Deathly Shoes
by HullyGully
Summary: Harry goes to Hogwarts and is sorted into...Ravenclaw! "How is this possible?" we think. "He hasn't the brains!" Find out what happens to him. This is the Harry Potter books rewritten in a wierd way. Rated K for starvation insinuation and soul suicide.
1. Book 1

_A/N – This is a story my cousin and I wrote, which was a lot of fun. We were going to send it somewhere, but I think that is somewhat unlikely now, so I'm going to post it here with changes I made. If we ever add to it, I might change a couple of the shorter chapters, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. _

_-Megan_

* * *

BOOK 1

Harry Potter is a boy who is a wizard but he didn't know he was a wizard so he had to be told by owls that brought him letters. AMAZING letters addressed to him in green ink.

He goes to a school called Hogwarts where magic is learned (as we all very well know). Harry is temporarily sorted into Ravenclaw, but transfers because he gets bullied for being dumb. He then goes to Slytherin and gets gang beaten. Next he goes to Hufflepuff for some niceness but they're niceness is creepy to him, so he finally heads to Gryffindor because really, there's nowhere left.

Normal year after that, BUT Voldy gets the stone and regenerates!! HAH!


	2. Book 2

_A/N – I'm so happy! Getting a review and alerts and such after posting pretty much the shortest chapter I possibly could. It all makes me smile. : ). I know this chapter is short too, but a longer one is coming soon. Possibly even later today. Also, there's a line in here (you know which one) that comes directly from the 7th book, so it's not mine._

* * *

BOOK 2

In the Chamber of Secrets, when Harry goes to rescue little Gin-Gin, real Voldy AND Memory-Voldy are there! So Harry duels them both at once but he's like TWELVE so he gets knocked out, but the Voldy's are like 'Meh', and duel each other. Memory-Voldy knocks out but doesn't kill Real Voldy. Then Memory-Voldy tries to eat Harry, but fails, as memories cannot eat people. Harry goes WOAH. Then realizes he cannot be eaten, so he sits there teasing Memory-Voldy as Memory-Voldy tries to eat him. Then Memory-Voldy is depressed, so he begins eating the diary, thus commiting soul suicide. Then Voldy is like "AHH!" and does the impossible; he apparates out of the castle! So Harry makes up a spell that strengthens him and shows off his muscles and picks up Ginny over his shoulder then goes back for Rawnold. Rawn is all "…Why are you carrying Ginny like that?" "Because I'm strong, HAH HAH HAH! I'M THE HULK!"says Harry. Rawn, "What's that, an illness?" Then Harry thinks he turns into the Hulk and rampages the dungeons until given a calming potion.

_

* * *

_

A/N - Reviews are the cheese to my macaroni.

_-Megan_


	3. Book 3

_A/N – It's summer now and there's not a lot to do at my house, so I did another chapter. I have to pace myself since there can only be 7 chapters, but it's just so darn fun! There's another part from Deathly Hallows in this chapter at the beginning. It's not a direct quote like last time, but it's still there._

* * *

BOOK 3

When we join young Harry, he is stuck in his room at the Dursley's for stepping on a teacup that Dudley had strategically placed outside his door. So the Dursleys use this against him to shun him. They are so mad he's a wizard that they decide to STARVE HIM! This incites Harry sends Hedwig out for mice and such. One day, Hedwig brings Harry a ferret. After a while, the ferret miraculously turns into Draco Malfoy, and is then stuck in Harry's room with him. Harry builds a little fire in his room to cook the mice. Harry thinks he is going insane because mice are icky and Malfoy has been stuck in his room for like a week. Harry then owls Hermy asking if he can live with her for a bit. Harry goes to Hermione's home, Windows of Peril, where Hermione's insane dentist parents live.

So, Harry leaves, and once he is gone, the Dursleys come up to his room to see if he is dead yet, and find in his stead, one Dracoy Malfoy; "..Who the heck are you?" they say, and he's like "The name is Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." They narrow their eyes and ask, "Are you a ZARD?" And he's like "… do you mean Wizard?" and theyre like "DON'T SAY THAT WORD UNDER THIS ROOF! IF YOU MUST REFER TO THAT TYPE OF INFERIOR BEING, SAY ZARD!" Then Malfoy is like "..Yeah, I'm a PLURAL BLOOD! It's a new kind of zard. It's like pure blood, except PLURAL! WHICH IS MORE! WHICH IS BETTER!" and they're like, "GET OUT, FOOL!" Then, with their newly attained karate skillz, they kick his buttocks. Especially Aunt Petunia. Malfoy then develops blood clots because he has TOOOO much pure blood now that he's a plural blood (plural blood is denser than real blood and pure blood put together).

ANYWAYS. Harry is at the Windows of Peril with Hermy and the whacko dentists, just chillaxing, eating some sugar free Twizzlers and what not. (The dentists hate sugar like the Dursley's hate zards.) So Harry and Hermy get their Hogwarts letters and they're like "WOOHOO! Tis nearly time 4 Hogwarts." So Harry's got his Hedwig with him and he's like "Gee, I think my Hedwig looks a _bit _lonely. I think I'll get another pet, to keep my Hedwig company and it can go up and visit her in the owlery."

So they go to Diagon Alley to get their tidbits of educational tools. So they've got all their useless junk and Harry goes to the Magical Menagerie and there's a BIG, FAT, BLACK, OMINOUS DOG IN A CAGE. It looks like the Grim! But you don't know what the Grim is yet, so shh. Trelawney will tell you. But you don't know who she is yet either! ANYWAYS. So Harry sees this dog and he's like "Wow this is interesting. This dog seems rather familiar." And he decides to buy this big fat ominous fat black dog that looks rather like something you don't know, AKA the Grim, And Hermione purchases a vicious tiger of a cat.

Then they go to Hogwarts. And they meet Rawn, and go about their Hogwarts lives until June, when exciting stuff always happens.

So this one day, they go to Le Hogsmeade and Crookshanks and Harry's nameless not-fat-anymore-cause-it-worked-out dog and Scabbers all came along. And out of the blue comes Fenrir Greyback, a werewolf! AAAH. So Rawn and Harry and Hermy didn't know what to do when all of a sudden there was this guy. And this other guy! And no more dog or Scabbers! And they were like "Oh snap! What happened to our pets?" Then the two guys are like "Yo! We're the Marauders! We're gonna save you cos we know how to handle a werewolf!" Then one of the guys, with really long tangled hair was like "And Harry… I AM YOUR GODFATHER!" and then the other guy was like "And Harry… I told Voldemort where your parents were!" So Tangly-Hair was like "WHAT? YOU DID?!" and other guy was like "Yes. But now we have to save them from the werewolf!" Next they conjured up some top hats to pull Super Soakers out of. So Tangly-Hair starts soaking that werewolf superbly, and other guy is trying, but he has a problem. He cant pull the trigger because.. DUN DUN DUN.. HES MISSING A FINGER!! And Tangly Hair is like "Well! That's what you get for framing me as a murderer!!"

Then the werewolf, sensing weakness in the other guy, goes after him and chomps off his whole hand! But then Harry causes a diversion by putting on a grass skirt and doing the Hula! But the Fenrir Greyback is not so easily distracted. So Harry proceeds to sing, and Rawn conjures a ukulele and Hermoine begins reciting a recipe in the form of a song for a pig with an apple in it's mouth. This is too much distraction for Fenrir to bear. He gives in and sits down to watch their amazing hula performance. Tangly Hair jumps up and shoots Fenrir with a laser gun! Then they bury the werewolf in the woods. YAY!

Hermione and Rawn turn to Tangly Hair and other guy and ask in unision; "WHO. ARE. YOU. PEOPLE." Tangly Hair says, "Why, I am surprised you don't recognize me from Wanted posters! I'm Birius Slack, of course! And I'm innocent! This fellow beside me is the guilty one!" The other guy says "Alas! It is true! I did not want to do it. The Dark Lord made me! I am Peter Pettigrew! I tried switching the letters in my name, like my friend Sirius Black did, but it did not work." Birius exclaimed, "Dude! You blew my cover!" Harry says, "Wait! Pause for a second. Peter Pettigrew, or Peter Pettigrew, whichever you prefer; YOU are the reason my parents are dead?" Peter looks around nervously, and Apparates away. Everyone is like "Snap. He got us again." "You see, young tch (the witch form of zard) and zards," Birius said. "Myself and Peter were friends with James Potter growing up. I got blamed for their murder but it was truly Peter's fault. Stupid head. Now I must go into hiding. Cheerio!" And with that, he ran into the woods.

But then the trio was discovered in Hogsmeade by one Fleur Delacour. They were like "Who the heck are you?" and she was like "I am from Beauxbatons! I don't why I'm here!" Madame Maxine came along and said, "Fleur, you silly ninny! You ran away again!" Madame Maxine grabbed Fleur by the ear and turned to the trio, saying "She has a few problems." Then they walked off. The trio then returned to Hoggy Warty Hogwarts.

Later on, Draco gets sentenced to execution for being whiny. But the trio saves him with Hermy's time turner. They lure him into the woods with dead ferrets. Then Draco flies Birius to safetly. The trio is like "SAVE HIM! FLY!" and he's like "I dunno how." And theyre like "Well, learn. NOW." So he does.

_

* * *

_

A/N – This is the long chapter I promised. And, guess what, the next one's even longer! That one will be up soon too. Reviews are happy-making, so please leave some for me.

_PS: Anyone who caught the Lion King reference in there is made of awesome._

_-Megan_


	4. Book 4

_A/N – Writing fanfiction is exciting. Enjoy this chapter, cause it's probably my favorite._

* * *

BOOK FOUR

The Triwizard Tournament takes place, and Harry greatly enjoys watching it.

Shortly after the uneventful third task, Voldemort does the impossible yet again and apparates into Hogwarts! He then sneaks around in the shadows, looking for someone to use to lure Harry out of his dorm. He finds Cho, who is searching for Diggory. So Voldy is like "HMM. I can use her! She shall lure Harry out of Gryffindor Tower and I shall beat him this time!! MUAHHAHAHAHHAHAHH!!" so he swipes Cho Chang and he takes her to the room where the Philosopher's Stone had been kept 3 years before. He chose this room because he wanted to defeat Harry in a place where Harry had once defeated him, and he could not use the Chamber of Secrets because the rotting Basilisk carcass would depress him.

Later, Harry is sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room when a silvery white chipmunk came bounding through the portrait hole. "…" Harry said. The chipmunk, who was actually Simon Selville of Alvin and the Chipmunks, responded squeakily. "The DARK LORD awaits you in the room of stone philosophy. He has YOUR GIRLFRIEND! CHO CHANG! HARRY'S GOT A GIRL FRIEND! WOOOHOOOOO!" The chipmunk ran away. Cedric was randomly in the Gryffindor Common Room searching for Godric Gryffindor's "lost" diadem, which actually was not lost… It's always been in the Common Room. Silly Cedric. ANYWAYS. Diggory overheard Simon and was like "OHNOEZ! NOT MY DARLING ASIAN RAVENCLAW WHO TOTALLY DOESN'T BELONG IN RAVENCLAW!!" Everyone gives Ced a blank stare. Cedric then ran out of the Common Room, and was followed closely by Mr. Potter himself.

So Cedric and Harry are both running to said room and then they are stopped at the door by a doorman. Yes, like at a hotel…with a little tassel on his hat and everything. That's right, he's wearing a fez! Hahaha at the word fez. ANYWAYS; The doorman with the fez said in a Texan accent, "You must complete the obstacles ahead. Good luck, young stupid heads! :) "

Wink Yahoo, the host of a show that you likely don't know, then pops up out of nowhere and says "RAWRR! WELCOME TO SAVE-CHO-CHANG! YOU HAVE 3 TASKS, THAT'S RIGHT, THREEEEEEEEEEEEE! YOU MUST COMPLETE THEM OR.. you die. : Now, for the first task…"

A huge stone wall popped up out of the floor, separating them from the second task arena. "For your first task.. YOU MUST PUSH THIS RED BUTTON." Harry and Ced looked at each other like "Are they kidding?" They both walked forward and in turn pushed the giant red button that was in the middle of the wall. The wall then slid down into the floor.

"Now, for your second task…you must turn a Knut into pure gold, then you must flip it and see if you get heads or tails. If you get either, you die. If you get neither, you then must SURVIVE THE KILLING CURSE!" Harry looked at the floor, and there was the Philosopher's Stone! Right where Voldy had left it in Harry's first year. Both Ced and Harry used the Stone on their Knuts. Then they flipped them, and, seeing as Knuts have neither heads nor tails, merely stars and elephant toe nails, neither got heads nor tails. So then Wink Yahoo casts AVADA KEDAVRA on Harry. And Harry survives and is like, "Meh. No biggie! :" He turned to Cedric and said, "Nice knowing you!" "Yeah, you too," said Ced. Then Wink Yahoo cast AVADA KEDAVRA! And Cedric lived! SO THEY WERE THE BOYS WHO LIVED!

As they walked towards the third task, Cedric tripped, and fell face-first onto a rusty nail sticking out of the floorboards. The nail went up through his eye, into his brain, thus damaging his Vital Point. "CEDRIC. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed. "Harry," Ced gasped, "you must carry on without me. SAVE CHO. SAVE HERR… save herrr…. save her…. PS. Take my body back :)" Harry responds with "Fo shizzle!" Wink Yahoo then says, "What a touching moment. Now Harry, for the 3rd task… you must pluck this chicken WITHOUT MAKING IT CRY OUT!" Harry casts a Silencing Charm on it and proceeds to pluck said chicken. "Tah-dah!" He smiles.

Wink Yahoo high fives him and says, "Well, I shall reveal my true identity." Wink Yahoo pulled off a mask, revealing… ORLANDO BLOOM! And then Nagini comes out of Orli's mouth. OHSNAP. Harry is like "…" and runs to the room of Stone Philosophy…

Inside is everyone, including the Voldster himself. "Well, we couldn't start without you! That would defeat the purpose, rather." And Harry said "Righto. Let's do it then, shall we?" And the room seemed to explode with curses and whatnot. Seeing as it is 20 against one, Voldy is beaten into the ground. But Voldy is the one and only Voldy, so he snaps up (think Bend & Snap, like in Legally Blonde), knocks Harry down, and sends Harry's wand flying across the room.

Everyone froze as Voldy pointed his wand at Harry and said, "Any final words?" and Harry said, "Well, actually, yes. However do you keep apparating in and out of the castle?" "Well, in all actuality, I haven't been APPARATING in and out. I have these hyper speed sneakers, you see. They make me run incredibly fast, so fast that I cannot be seen. I just run up to the Hogwarts gates, run right up them and down the other side, and I go so fast that it gives the illusion of invisibility. Also, for added flair, I set off a firecracker just as I begin running. It's all about distracting your audience you see!" Everyone applauded him politely.

"Secondly," Harry asked, "Why do you have no nose? And why are your fingers so long?" "Well," Voldy answered, "They're both the same question, really. You see… I had decided that my fingers were not long enough, so I went in for finger plastic surgery. But they did not have soul-split tissue for me." Everyone made a … face, but Voldy continued. "They told me that they would have to build my fingers out of my nose. So I agreed… I do regret it some days though… all the Michael Jackson comparisons…" Voldy dabbed at his eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief. "There, there," said Harry soothingly.

"I have one final question…", declared Harry. "Why are you so mean??" Voldalicious replied, "Well, I never had any family… I grew up in a Muggle orphanage, always the odd-one-out, an outcast. No one ever understood me! And I could not understand them. I was always so different. Even when I came to Hogwarts, I was always smarter than the other kids, and they therefore hated me. Many made cruel, hurtful jokes that I should have been in Ravenclaw. But I trouped on, and their harsh words only made me stronger. But perhaps I have built up my walls too much… After all, a man's fortress is never his home…I admit, I --"

And at this point, Harry leapt up and stole Voldy's wand, used it to Accio his wand, and pointed his own wand at the place where Voldy's nose should have been. "It's all about distracting your audience, you see," said Harry smugly. Voldy sighed, "Oh noez…" Then he 'apparated' away, yet again. "HE GOT AWAY! Until next year…" says Harry.

Then Cho comes out of the blue and says "Why thank you Harry. Have you seen Cedric? I was looking for him when Voldy snatched me…" and then Harry's like "I'm sorry to have to tell you this Cho Chang…Cedric died, trying to save you, with me. DON'T WORRY! YOU STILL HAVE ME THOUGH! D" the Cho says, "BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU! I LIKE CEDRIC!" Harry said, "Wow, that was hurtful." So everyone went to their places to sleep.

_

* * *

_

A/N - This could be the longest chapter in the story, but who knows what the future will bring…Reviews hopefully ;)

_-Megan_


	5. Book 5

_JESUS CHRIST, THIS OLD THING. DERP, I thought I'd finally add the last 3 ~chapters~ since I just linked the good people of tumblr here. OH GOD WHY DID I DO THAT? XD_

* * *

BOOK FIVE SUMMARY;

So they about their Hogwarts lives until, once again, June.

"Harry's nightmare. Harry dreams he is at a Muggle's house. He does not know which Muggle, but as he is thinking 'Hmm. I wonder if I know this Muggle?' A Muggle comes in and is like "NO! I AM NOT A MUGGLE. I am going to Hogwarts in …. Some years." And Harry's like.. "Awright." So he walks into the living room and he sees Godric Gryffindor is sitting on the chandelier! And Harry says "woah! Hey, youre Godric Gryffindor!" and Godric Gryffindor says. "Yes." And Harry says "I have been cursed with nightmares! Of Voldemort! However do I make them stop?" And Godric Gryffindor looked at Harry wisely and said. "Your heart shall show you the way, young Harry." And Harry was about to say something when…. He woke up. He had the feeling he was being watched, and sat bolt upright to see the deep brown eyes of Ginny Weasley. Ginny, looked around nervously, then hit the floor and crawled out of the room."

June-; Harry knows that he must go to the Muggle house to find Godric Gryffindor and get advice to find out what he needs to do to get unpossessed. So Harry and co jump onto some Thestrals and fly to Kan-uh-duh. They arrive in Vancouver, British Columbia about 3 days later due to hyper-speed Thestrals. That's right. We just made that up! Anyways.

Harry and co arrived at a large purple house and were like "… it's purple." So they go and kick down the door like the bad-ass ninjas they aren't. That's the Dursley's youre thinking about. ;] SEW. They go to the living room and see Godric Gryffindor sitting on the chandelier! GASP!

So Harry says, "Hello Godric Gryffindor! I knew that you would be here! :]" and Godric Gryffindor is like, "That is because I sent you messages. In your dreams! Voldemort taught me that technique."

Harry says, "GASPETH! ARE YOU ON HIS SIDE?"

Gryffindor says, "No… I AM his side!" and Gryffindor pulls of his skin and OHSNAP, HE'S VOLDEMORT!

Harry says, "Okay, wands away this time. Seeing as we are in a muggle house, we shall fight this out like muggles would!" And Harry punched Voldy in the not-nose. Voldy lets our a shriek, which scares the cat that belongs to the Muggles. The cat then leaps off the balcony, and Birius, letting out his inner dog, chased after the cat and… off the balcony!

Harry screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BEEEEREEEEEEUSSSSSSS!/3"

"He's gone Harry, GONE FOREVER. AND NOTHING YOU DO CAN BRING HIM BACK!" said Lupin, as he appareted into the room… Then Lupin apparated away. Harry attempted to follow Sirius off the balcony, AND SUCCEEDED!

Just as he was about to hit the pavement below, Hermoine yelled, "ACCIO HARRY!" Harry had a sudden urge to go visit Hermione! So he did. Then they had chai tea and biscuits and scones. They lived happily ever after. Until book 6.


	6. Book 6

BOOK 6 SUMMARY;

Dumby to Harry; Meet me in my office & I shall explain what you must do next year.

Dumbledore: "Harry, Voldy created these things called Horcruxes. They are soul containers. YOU MUST DESTROY THEM, AND THEN DESTROY HIM!"

Harry: "uhh.. I'm like 16…"

Dumby: "BUT BY THEN YOU SHALL BE 17 :D"

Harry: uhh..

Dumby: *gets killed*

Harry: *pulls a spider man on Ginny.*


	7. Book 7

BOOK 7 SUMMARY;

When the trio is searching for hydroxycuts, they go to Thailand and get some Thai rice and cashews. Cause Thailand is the land of cashews.

Fred, Lupin, Tonks, Mad eye, Hedwig, Dobby, Bellatrix, Voldy, Harry's Wand, and Colin Creevey...

...

...

...

...

..

..

..

...

..

..

..

..

...

...

..

...

..

...

..

.

..

...

...

..

...

.

..

..

..

...

...

..

..

...

..

..

..

...

...

...

...all get food poisoning from the cashews.

THE END.


End file.
